I have discovered a few things today. First is that I am finding it very difficult to be an optimist. I feel like the pessimistic side of me is tearing me up and today it ruined my state of mind.
A levels are hard. I properly understood why people say there is a jump between GCSEs and A levels. It’s not a jump. It’s a leap over a gorge with only one leg. As you can tell, I need to work on my analogies.
I need to work on a lot of things, I feel. When I imagined starting sixth form, I saw myself striding in wearing a pretty outfit, scribbling away in notebooks and enjoying the free periods. Well, no. I can only blame myself, but every day I have felt self conscious and ugly about my clothes, my makeup or my hair. I even bought myself some expensive makeup brushes to cheer myself up and so I could do my makeup better. Then, in lessons I have begun to feel weak and useless. There is a simple answer to all of this; not to care, or to put it even more simply, not give a shit. But as usual, I care too much. I give too many shits (metaphorically speaking, of course). How can I change the way I think without changing my personality?
Basically, I feel inadequate. I keep getting stuck in the frame of mind that whatever I do, it will never be enough. Trying to do homework and revision while feeling like that is just impossible. So I’ve climbed into my bed with my laptop and am listening to upbeat songs. It’s kind of worked. I think that hopefully, if I get a good night’s sleep tonight and don’t dream about someone trying to murder me, I will wake up and start afresh with a better outlook on the day.
So there you have it. My feelings, my thoughts poured out. I think I might do this more often because I am starting to feel better already.