Can’t Stand Me

What do you find more unbearable: watching a video of yourself, or listening to a recording of your voice? Why?

The idea of watching myself at first seems intriguing, a way to see myself from someone else’s perspective. But when I actually see the videos I see all of my insecurities flashing in front of me like ugly neon lights, concealing my qualities. I’ve always had bad posture, but on video it ¬†seems to be magnified to the point where I appear to be a hunchback. The memory of the sincerity of my laughter as I watch an old video of my friend and I dancing around is wiped away and all I see is manic, ugly chortling. Looking back at my short lived try at singing, the nerves, the anxiety in my eyes as I move towards the microphone takes me back to those shaky moments of terror right before I performed. And I have to stop the video before I reach the start of the song. There was a reason my singing was short lived!

When I think about listening to a recording of my voice, I cringe. My first thought is of the countless recordings I used to memorise Spanish paragraphs, to revise chemistry, and-of course- my attempts at singing. When I first tried this method of revision, I couldn’t help but notice my awful accent and the way my voice would catch on some words, or stutter on others. Though, I soon got used to my voice and I was reciting Spanish like crazy. As far as the singing goes, my attempts at Whitney Houston songs (a guilty pleasure!) were deleted without hesitation.

So, I would have to say watching videos of myself is more unbearable, because there are more things to be insecure about; not just my voice, but my appearance, stance as well the way I move. Still, I am reluctant to ever delete the videos of me prancing around in fancy dress with my friends. Some things, however cringe-worthy, you just can’t let go…