The idea of watching myself at first seems intriguing, a way to see myself from someone else’s perspective. But when I actually see the videos I see all of my insecurities flashing in front of me like ugly neon lights, concealing my qualities. I’ve always had bad posture, but on video it seems to be magnified to the point where I appear to be a hunchback. The memory of the sincerity of my laughter as I watch an old video of my friend and I dancing around is wiped away and all I see is manic, ugly chortling. Looking back at my short lived try at singing, the nerves, the anxiety in my eyes as I move towards the microphone takes me back to those shaky moments of terror right before I performed. And I have to stop the video before I reach the start of the song. There was a reason my singing was short lived!
When I think about listening to a recording of my voice, I cringe. My first thought is of the countless recordings I used to memorise Spanish paragraphs, to revise chemistry, and-of course- my attempts at singing. When I first tried this method of revision, I couldn’t help but notice my awful accent and the way my voice would catch on some words, or stutter on others. Though, I soon got used to my voice and I was reciting Spanish like crazy. As far as the singing goes, my attempts at Whitney Houston songs (a guilty pleasure!) were deleted without hesitation.
So, I would have to say watching videos of myself is more unbearable, because there are more things to be insecure about; not just my voice, but my appearance, stance as well the way I move. Still, I am reluctant to ever delete the videos of me prancing around in fancy dress with my friends. Some things, however cringe-worthy, you just can’t let go…
Dreamer Girl 